Hi there S.M.,

Thank you for being a part of our community! We genuinely hope that you are able to integrate psychedelics into your life in order to working towards healing. There is so much promising research regarding MDMA and PTSD healing!

We wish you all the best. Please keep in touch as your journey progresses.

– Britt at Third Wave

We’re truly sorry for the pain and suffering you’re enduring. Fortunately, there are legal psychedelic treatments available that may be of help. There’s increasing evidence suggesting that ketamine can be helpful for treatment-resistant depression, but also PTSD. Dr. Phil Wolfson is a pioneer in this space and located in Northern California. His team may be able to help: http://philwolfsonmd.com/ketamine-assisted-psychotherapy.html.

I am the child of two narcissists. My dad was the classic narc with the dual personalities, beating my mom with his fists and every other abuse. Until this year, thirteen years after her death which I had to stay by her side every minute or he would still physically abuse her, I finally realized she didn’t love me or my older half brother. My mom used me from the minute I was born to be responsible for her and she didn’t want me because I wasn’t a boy. The only time I remember feeling love was when her obstetrician carried me around his office when I was a baby. Otherwise I was at a sitters who paid no attention to me or finally at home where I was akin to an ottoman or plant stand. No attention at all even though I asked her repeatedly to play with me. No physical or emotional love whatsoever. But children like me don’t know any different, we think that’s normal. I usually had a dog that gave me love and protection. If I ever said anything, like I didn’t want to move away from where I was born and my beloved cousin and “family” all were, the response I received from my mother was a threat to leave my dog behind. First and last time I ever said anything.

My mom was excellent at controlling me to stay with her because like many others in my situation we only have value in taking care of others and we are what “they” have termed highly sensitive people. I thought she just loved me so much but actually she used me to take abuse from my father that was meant for her and to spend months in the hospital with her as her 24 hour a day warrior for months at a time after my dad had let her almost die before he would take her to a doctor. Sepsis and life support, had hospice stop food and insulin six months before the doctors gave her for lung cancer and came after me for calling her doctor and following his instructions to call an ambulance ASAP. I found two doctors after much research that agreed to treat her lung cancer with an oral nonaggressive chemo pill to shrink her cancer so they could use radio frequency ablation to destroy the reduced size of the cancer! My dad told her, after both sat in the doctor’s office with me while he explained everything in detail, that she was only taking the pills to add a month or two to her life. She stopped taking the pills, that were working, without telling me but did tell my favorite aunt who didn’t bother to tell me either.

My mom died when I was forty. I had a complete break from CPTSD at 38. I was a successful executive and also sold large custom houses in the most prestige area and development in my area. Then a new shift in upper management placed me directly under a narcissist with plans for me not on any job description. The first panic attacks were at work before his abuse started. I went through every doctor imaginable including my ENT and no one diagnosed me.

I lost everything I worked all my life to achieve. I also lost my ability to work, drive, get out of the ball I was in on the couch, and all the people I had known all my life including all family. I have fought alone against horrific doctors for fourteen years but my amazing Shih Tzu who was only a baby when this started saved my life. He literally took care of me, knew I was going down before I did and knew exactly what to do when I hit the wall. Only real family I ever had. This past year was the worst of my life, I learned how evil people are and will literally leave you to die. I went through things I could not even imagine including my dad’s death, my Great Dane’s death and Wafer’s murder. And still not one person cared if I lived or died.

It seems like this is too long but it’s not even close to the hell I live. I am on an antidepressant, anti anxiety, sleep REM medicine and something to boost my strength. My heart rate has been close to 120 all these years. I fought for a year and a half to be included in MAPS Phase III testing and was accepted by one spot but couldn’t ever get in touch with the director again and MAPS is no help.

I have been talking to a veteran with the most experience in the field of psychedelics begging him for help, anything including getting me in touch with people he knows in my area with experience in this area. I should add that my dad was a highly decorated Korean War soldier so I am sure part of his illness was PTSD. This I carry the wounds of hand to hand combat even if I am not a veteran.

I have come to the end of my ability to survive. Wafer was the only soul who gave me a reason to live and fight. I have been alone all my life, except for him. And the vets who actually killed him are suing me because I refused to let them do horrid procedures on him when the agreed upon treatment was to continue the treatment for kennel cough he received in Monterey for three weeks until the vets there actually listened to me and treated him for that. And that only after my second and third dogs literally got sick right in front of them and then they tested for kennel cough!

According to the veteran I have been in contact with, the largest number of veterans who kill themselves every day are alone, like me.

And not one agency or organization helps. And I should have been dead years ago. When not one person in the world cares if you live or die, you learn that no one ever will and each year gets worse, what are we fighting for so desperately?

For those of you who posted about children, my advice would be to fight as to the death to find these alternative treatments for your loved ones. I spoke to several people who went through the MAPs earlier MDMA trials and they were cured. If I knew how I would buy some MDMA as a last ditch effort. But you have to be very careful because it’s usually not pure. But I don’t know how to buy it and I don’t have any strength left to keep fighting.

I hope this helps one person fighting alone and especially a child in the hell I lived in to get someone to do the right thing and intervene instead of turning away. I also hope it convicts people who don’t want to be bothered that they are just as responsible as anyone for not being the one friend needed to save another person’s life.